Leaving Behind Those You Love

I left behind those I love in Atlanta to live abroad in Arnhem with those I also love. As many immigrants and expats know, it often hurts to remain abroad. Feelings of grief, guilt, and shame haunt us when we leave for good.

I was reminded of this tough decision the other day, while talking with the manager of a local bakery. She had recently returned from her vacation abroad, and told me about her decision to now move with her boyfriend to another country, even though it meant leaving behind her beloved adult children and grandchildren. Despite her confidence, I suspected her decision was bittersweet for her. From what I understood, it involved a realization that while she loved her family, she needed to live in a place with more daily emotional warmth, novelty, and social connection.

This triggered a subtle sadness in me. I felt sad that daily life in one’s home can feel so emotionally cold, boring, and isolating, that individuals sometimes feel forced to leave it behind, including their beloved family and friends. Unfortunately, it seems we sometimes need to leave behind those we love to find some of what we need in life.

This sadness also triggered a bit of hope in me.

I wondered: Is there always a way to deepen our love with friends and family, wherever they may be? Can we always recommit ourselves to those we love?

I hope so and I think so.

How might this happen? For some of us, this may involve more virtual communication than we or they would want. For example, the manager at the store expected that she would talk with her family remotely, and inspire them with her bold new life.

In my own life, I also have found some ways to deepen my family bonds, despite the damage my distance has caused to them. I talk with my mother nearly every single day. Had I stayed behind, I may have had a different deep bond with her. Or maybe I am just rationalizing.

Like many immigrants and expats, I worry about my family, especially my parents. I worry they will become ill, sad, and die without me being able to properly care for them and love them.

I wonder: Can we still show love to those who have died in our absence?

Yes. I think so. It might involve prayers which ask for their forgiveness and wish them joy whereever they may be. It might involve remembering and celebrating these lost loved ones.

I don’t really know.

I do find it helpful to practice being gentle with myself. This can be difficult, especially in a world where being kind to oneself is mistreated as indulgent or selfish. But all selves matter, including oneself. One insight that helps me be gentle with myself is reflecting on the idea that no one is solely responsible for anyone, and we all are somewhat responsible for everyone.

I think its also comforting to know that acknowledging the limits of our love is not a betrayal of that love; it does not warrant guilt or shame.

Still, it is natural and can be helpful to feel some guilt from time to time. Guilt can help us recognize something in our actions may be wrong, and motivate us to reflect and change our behavior. But guilt should not lead to any lasting shame. We must find a way to be gentle with ourselves. It may be helpful to know that there is no shame in rekindling gentleness, compassion, and love in this often dark and windy world.

Let us remember that our gentle love is part of a larger divine love.

Let us remember that there is still meaningful warmth and curiosity and honest social connection whenever we love those we left behind or who have left us behind.

Loving from afar may be the most love we have to give at the moment, and that is fundamentally ok.

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